Just Try...

I am working my way through this Christmas season as a 'new mom' if you will....
My son will be10 months old the day after Christmas and Dan and I still cannot believe it. 10 months. This blows us away... Dan always says "I swear I just brought you and Joey home from the hospital three months ago." I feel that way too. When people say enjoy every minute of your child being a baby...THEY MEAN IT....
Again I am getting off the beaten path here....

SO Christmas as a 'new mom' is heaps different that just a regular Christmas, like the ones I have always celebrated...as a daughter,a wife, a sister, a friend, a babysitter, an employee...Now I have a little man to lavish in Santa gifts and I really dig it. My husband and I are really in need of nothing we just want to have a great day with Joey and see how he can have fun. I have rightfully expected the solitary interest he will have in either the sticky bows or the wrapping paper. I am aware as EVERYONE tells us that he will be way more into tat than the gifts themselves... So this brought on a little experiment Christmas week.....

Joey has a wonderful Godmother who sends him gifts each holiday. Mostly books that represent the particular holiday at hand...so she sent him a big box of fun.The books are wonderful, it's the wrapped gifts that have gone untouched...sort of. I took one of her gift and I have each day been putting it in front of him to see if he will open it. He really has no interest. Little by little he has torn a piece of paper of and that's it. Last weekend some family came for three days and blessed him with so many fun things..and we all had eyes on him as he sat in front of the gifts to open....He looked at them. Looked around quizzically like he was trying to spot something, took a deep breath, let out a little squeak and BOOM...he was off crawling his way over to the dog's water bowl to tip it over....
Here is the thing.... Joey is still a "baby" even though he is tall and soo mobile. You forget he can't do stuff...
I said to Dan, "Christmas morning is gonna be a long morning opening what Babo Natale brings" and that's fine..."be sure to have a bottle of champagne chilled so we can celebrate our first Christmas with our son."
We are excited, and if it takes three days to open Babo Natale's gifts then that's okay too. Babo Natale is not bringing lots an lots of stuff.. he is leaving that to Joey's aunts and uncles..
Next year the real Christmas lessons start though. There is an understanding of this holiday that is important for Joey to learn.. It is the understanding of the birth of Jesus Christ and the importance of all that depends or relies on that little baby born in a manger. There is the importance of the multitude of angels, the shepard's and the gift from the (three "wise guys' as we call them) Magi....As he grows I hope to instill in him Christmas and his surroundings. I am sure there will be years that Dan will have to work and Joey and I will go and do something for others...Be it delivering food to home bound, serving at a shelter or something, but it is sooo important for my son to understand the gift of giving..the gift of giving and not receiving..the wonderful light spirited feeling you get when you give someone a smile, a dinner, a batch of cookies, a bathrobe, a hot meal or even a hug.
When you celebrate Christmas this year with your children or your family or yourself try stepping out of your box and reach out to someone who you would never reach out to and let them see your smile or the touch of your hand on theirs and let them know you care....even if you don't know them. You will be amazed..you will change some one's heart even if you don't think you did....Just try.....

I am well aware that it has been about five months since I have blogged... got it...(Pam)...but I have been a little busy and tired and stuff....K? (joey) ANYWAY....



So, tonight is not the night to blog. I will default it to another night, but it has taken a long time b/c...It only took Joey 8 months to sleep through the night...and he is 9 1/2 months now...meaning I am little by little catching up on sleep.. so my mind and my thoughts are starting to come back like a real human....



Hang in there (Pam).....You'll have a post b/f Christmas....

I Guess It's True... He Will Be Starting Harvard Soon.

Well, time does go by really fast. Tomorrow my little sweet son is going to be 5 months old....what? where has it gone?

At our four month Dr.s visit. Joey's cool Doctor could not believe how big he was for four months. 18 1/2 pounds and 26.5 inches in length. "so" she said..."I'm really not one to advocate any solid food feeding until children are 6 months old, but I think you should really start it now." and she laughed. It's funny.

So we go and get him all set up for eats....took a little while to get it going, but now he's like a monster... I really should not say that. There are days he likes to eat the "solid food" (which by the way is NOT solid it's all mushy) and days when he does not like it at all. So I like that 'cause then I know he is getting what he wants and what he needs from the breast milk feedings.

But dinner time is the funnest in the Williams house. He is sooo funny eating.. I always thought my kid would not have all the food all over his face, that I could get it in and leave no mess. WRONG.....it's everywhere. and now he is all about raspberries when he eats, so the food really goes everywhere.

Look this "solid food" thing is a big deal, this is the "next step" to toddlerhood

to being a kid, to being five months old. Lets face it, I have to look at pictures to remember what he looked like as a baby and to remember the days when he was a little joey....

My son is growing faster and faster each day. We are amazed. everyday he is doing something new and or better. I am not gloating saying he is a genius, or the smartest kid of advanced.. How should I know if he is or is not...he's just Joey. He just does his thing and when he is ready to move on, he will. We are happiest when he is smiling and laughing and when we are all together.

But man, FIVE months old.....yeah I guess it is true, he will be at Harvard soon....

Just Like High School

I really should be doing some kind of exercises right now while Joey is sleeping. I have my mat on the floor next to the computer desk and each time i think of someone from the past to look up on Facebook I stop what I am doing and try to find them, which then my hour is up, the baby is awake and I wonder why I don't have a flat stomach....no ones fault but my own..

The TODAY show gave a statistic the other day about how many people between the ages of this and that get up in the morning and check their Facebook status. Shame to think I could possibly fall into this category....It's not the first thing I check , I mean I have to dress and have a baby and walk a dog and breakfast and you know all that stuff, but sure enough once my son hits that crib for his morning nap. BOOM. on the computer. I gotta stop. I can use my time in other ways, like: Packing up my house for our move, like cleaning up breakfast, like exercising so I can feel better, like taking a shower...(but I have things to do outside the house and all I do is sweat, so shower later) like write Thank You Notes... other stuff....Facebook, email, blogs, the entire rapture of this age is unreal.....

My husband is SOOOO computer illiterate is awesome. He looks at a few sites and get the sports updates, the movie reviews and book reviews and that's about it. He JUST got email at work and is still saying how much he hates it. But I think... "okay, he's got it. He is a simple computer guy and wants not to get tangled in this technology web.' then we both laugh at how Joey will be 4 and have his own system all suped up and HE'S gonna have to show his daddy how to cut and paste....

Well, it's fine. I have been searching for people from the hollowed halls of my high school. The dreaded ages of high school. The age where I could not wait to get out of that building. I like to find people and see them. It's like looking at a book jacket. Married, single, kids, pictures, you now the whole bit. I find the kids that were the bullies, the popular cliches the mean girls, and the drama geeks (that was me). The great thing about F/B is you Can pick and chose who you want to be friends with. Just like in real life. Yes you can. If I don't want you in my space and on my wall, I can ignore you, just like in real life. Funny how this F/B thing is just like High School.
It has me hooked and I love to read what others think and do, sometimes live vicariously through them, and sometimes roll my eyes.....just like high school. I get on Facebook a lot throughout the day. My time can be used in better ways,... Just like High School.

4th Of July

This has to be one of my favorite holidays. I know to a lot of people this is not even a holiday, but growing up 4th of July was THE best and funest day in the summer.


I grew up in a small Yankee Massachusetts town founded not long after Plimouth. The down town looked like a quaint movie set and was perfect. Loved it.


On the 4th of July it was as if the entire town stopped and you went to the parade. The Parade stared at the high school and ended at the pretty little bus depot. A few miles and along Main street, it was perfect. first before the parade though was the pancake breakfast in Hingham center, then you made your way to your spot to watch the parade. As a kid sitting along the street you wanted and hoped for the day to walk in the parade. It was great. there were fireworks always on the 3rd of July at the beach and a band concert at the gazebo on the beach too. Typical small town Americana if you will. And sometimes Dad would let us up on the roof of the house to watch the BIG fireworks display in Boston....THAT was something. But because of those days the 4th has always been a fun holiday for me. Washington DC was a great place to be in celebrating the 4th, but Fl. not so much. Naples tries to do it, but it's just a commercial day that has gone by the wayside. It was at a time that NOTHING was open, not it's all open..

Anyway I am making some kind of point....

Since I grew up outside of one of ht e greatest cities of all time and home to so much Revolutionary History, I really engulfed myself as a student to Early American History and revolutionary History. Boston is so rich in it, since it all did start there.....

But this day also makes me think of how it REALLY was on that July 2nd day in Philadelphia as all those men signed that paper succeeding themselves from the British Parliament and King George. Did they walk from that building cheering as they announced to the onlookers what had just happened, Did they even breath as they left the building in fear of what the next step was. Could they sleep at night knowing the ramifications of the event that they has just taken part in. Did they know?

I got this email from my cousin today, so I will share it with you all about what happened to some of the men that did sign the Declaration of Independence... I liked the history behind it and it will shed a little light on what happened to these brave men.....Keep something in mind... just because these were men that had some sort of say back in the day...for some they did not end their lives like Adams and Jefferson and a few other's.... Read on...

What Happened To The 56 Men Who Signed The Declaration of Independence.....
-Five signers were captured by British as traitors and tortured before they died.
-Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
-Two lost their sons serving in the revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
-Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
*They signed and pledged their lives, their future and their sacred honor..What kind of men were they?
-Twenty four lawyers and Jurists
-Eleven merchants
-Nine were farmers and large plantation owners.
* Men of means and some well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
-Carter Braxton of VA, a wealthy plantation owner and trader saw his ships burned in the sea by the British Navy. He sold his home and property to pay his debts and died in rags.
-Sherman McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the congress with out pay and kept his family in hiding. His possession's were taken from him and poverty was his reward.
--Vandalls and soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge and Middelton.
-Atthe Battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr. noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home as his headquarters, he quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed and Nelson died bankrupt.
-Francis Lewis had his home and property destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife and she died with in a few months.
-John Hart was driven form his wifes bedside as she was dying and their thirteen kids fled for their lives. His fields and gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in the forests and caves, returning home to find his wife had died and children had vanished.
*****So take a moment while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these brave men, these Patriots. It's not to much for the price they paid... Remember..Freedom is NOT free.

41...Welcome.

Yesterday I turned 41.

I really did not care to celebrate my birthday at all. My family insisted..(this is part of the 'can anyone hear me bit' Didn't want to do anything, but I ended up spending the day in celebration to appease the family... I will say this. I had a really nice time though)

At 41, it's just that I am now in those limbo ages, like 40 was big, but 41 not so big..not until 45 or even 50..argh..to even think that I will be fifty someday. But I am 41...

It's even funnier to think that. Like, wow when I was young thinking how old 40 was and now I am in this decade of....question. I don't think that it's old, but it is in a way. See. this whole "40 is the new 20's" shit is crazy. I would never want to go back to being 20 or even in my 20's. now my 30's were great and so far 40's have been a blast. I guess with a new son, a baby in this "older decade" to be starting a family I am feeling 40 's are far more rewarding....

I can break it down,

20: I was still full of piss and vinegar. I was trying to get it all done, I was tyring to be what I really wanted to..(that day) to follow the dreams and do what I wanted and not what anyone else thought I should. I listened to no one and just lived. I was invincible and just went out and kicked ass.
30: It all came together for me. I got serious. I started to LIVE the right way. I grew cautious of myself and of other's. I was striving to do the right thing.I had found a place to settle, a husband, a few jobs and loved life. I understood things and people. I heard people and found living is amazing. My family became my world and I loved that. I still was seeking out other opportunities for me and my husband, but kept them to myself and little dreams. I got a dog. I started to have expectations and quickly found that I should not expect any thing from any one, they will let you down. I started really sacrificing my life of the happiness and the dreams of others. I LOVED my 30's. I found my friends and lost some friends. I found the path that I was suppose to be on and it was/has been great.
40: I had a baby. My first and only child. My son. I share him with my wonderful husband and I feel blessed. I am lucky very much so. My son is surrounded by people who LOVE him and I am able to spend my days and nights with him. I have become a stay at home mom, but I know that soon I will have to get back out there. We can't keep this up, but I got this boy who has my heart. I no longer WANT anything for myself... see THIS is why I did not want to celebrate my birthday. It literally has NOTHING to do with me anymore....It's about him and that's how I want it too. This little boy has take over our life and we can not be happier. I no longer need to find fame and fortune just to make me happy. I no longer need to be patted on the back and made feel important. I no longer need that shit, I just need to be a good mom and LOVE my husband, my son and my dog.

At 41 I have a new career. It's the BEST job I could have ever wanted. It's a life long job that requires me to step aside and let my son shine. (it's how I wanted it anyway.. I never wanted to be the star of the show, I always liked supporting roles or to work backstage)
This is the best production I could have dreamed to be in.

No more celebrations necessary...just needs to be about him...41...WELCOME.

Popa's First Father's Day

Well, it is official... Dan has just had his VERY FIRST FATHER'S DAY.

ANNNNNND.. he loved it. He had a great day. It's funny you know. He went through his life never wanting anything to do with kids and Father's Day was just another day to him. But this was special. Now Dan is a dad and he is a great dad. He is sooo happy and LOVES to be with his son Joey. They had a great time together. Joey was smile most of the day.

We spent Saturday night in Marco Island at mom's house and woke up together as a family on Sunday morning. Joey gave Dan a gift. A new coffee mug he made. Well, he put his little finger prints on it, since his feet were to big and he would not unclench his hands, so little finger prints it was. Joey wore his 'Daddy and Me' shirt too. We went swimming in Miss Jane's pool across the street and we had the rest of the family for supper. Dan wanted steak and a spinach salad. My family celebrated him and his sister called to wish him a wonderful day. So did a few other members of my family who live out of town.
It was great.
Joey is now rounding 4 months old this Saturday and my sweet husband is doing a great job of being Joey's Popa. He loves to be with his son and they smile and laugh so much together. The love to watch 'Sid the Science Kid' together and Dan takes Joey on little adventures outside and around the house. It's great. I love to see him, them together. They are a great team. They listen to the Dave Matthews Band all the time and sing along. Come on lets face it...we all knew Dan would be a good dad. But he surpassed my wildest imagination of the dad he would be.. He is...
Love that.
So it was a wonderful celebratory day for my husband. It was Joey's Popa's First Father's Day.

A New Little Guy

My childhood friend gave birth 8 weeks early last week. Her second son was born at 1 pound 11oz. She said he is the tiniest person she has ever met.
His awesome name is Hugh Thomas Swanson. Hugh.. What a great name....
Baby Hugh has had quite a journey and there is so much more he will have to go through, but at the moment he is thriving in hospital and all seems well...

My friend, let me tell you about her. She had EVERY odd stacked up against her. The doctors gave this baby no chance in utero, they told her that everything possible that could be wrong with the baby will and she should abort...My friend told the Doctors to ...."Stick it" basically. She refused to even think about letting this unborn child go and was even willing to carry him full term even if it meant he would be stillborn.

My friend had suffered two or three miscarriages already and she wanted nothing more than to have another child. When she was blessed with this pregnancy she did everything right (as she always does) and kept her faith that she was going to have this baby. I would hear reports from people saying...."things don't look good"..."the baby is awfully small in utero, the Dr.s don't give it much hope.". And much more. Before Hugh was born, I heard that she was going to carry the baby until it was time to deliver and that was it.

Then June 10th mom calls to tell me of the wonderful news of Baby Hugh and I gave my friend a call at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston to see how she was. She sounded great and we swapped stories on C-Sections. Her spirits were high as they always are.

I was just so proud of her. So proud. She took control of the situation and told the Dr.s that she was going to have this baby, She would not back down to abort him due to medical reasons and if her baby had something wrong then they would deal with it then, but she held strong. I love that strength. I love that empowerment that she had for fighting for her and her son and her family. I love that she had a voice and she let it be heard to the Doctor's.

The Baby is 8 weeks early and he has a lot of growing and work to do in the hospital. At one pound 11 oz. things are looking good. I think of little Josie Duggar who was born so early and how she is making progress, how she is growing with the help of the hospital and the grace of God. Little Hugh will do the same. So many people have been praying for him and his new family. We continue to pray for his growth and health, for the Doctor's and nurses that tent to him and for his Mom and Dad, who never gave up on him. We pray God will cover his little boy with His grace and love and give him the strength he need to grow and be home soon.

What a little blessing. My friend, I am still awestruck at your strength. you rock and so does your new little guy.

Note: You knw what he really cool thing is....he has been breathing on his own since the day he was born....AWESOME.

A Good Shot of Fantasy and Reality.

Last night I had a chance to go out and "be Missi" as Dan says. I got kinda dressed up and met a girlfriend and her daughter at The Von Leibig Art Center for the wonderful exhibition on Princess Diana. It was a collection of some of her dresses, letters that she hand wrote, memorabilia and much more. Her story. Her story.

So I will start from the beginning. I was a Diana freak. Mom and I woke up very early on July 29, 1981 and watched her wedding on t.v. I was young and sleepy, but with the help from mom I made it through. The idea of a real princess was so exciting. I was excited about that special event all day and for years to follow.

Between the time she was married and had her first child William, my sister had gone to Europe, a stop in London and loaded up on Diana stuff for me. I still have some of it here in Naples. I wonder what I have left in storage. My BFF growing up she too was a Diana Junkie, (I would say her more than me) but we both shared the passion for the life of this woman. We thought no one could top her, to us she was the ultimate woman, she defined grace and elegance and poise and fashion and more. My BFF at the time even cut her hair to be like Diana's. We were so excited about having a positive roll model.

You know as we grew older we still enjoyed reading and talking and wishing to meet Diana. We would go down the street to the local drug store and read all the ROYAL magazines. We had pictures of her framed, we read everything we could on her and we pretended we were her American BFF's.

As Diana grew into her roll as 'The People's Princess' her time was not as fairytale-ish as my friend and I had ever hoped. She faced so much sadness and a troubled marriage and much more. Apparently the job as Princess of England is not that easy. But what she did do was break many barriers of humanity. She did things and met people and touched people that no one has done since Mother Theresa. Once her marriage was dissolved Diana really transformed herself into and untouchable and unstoppable humanitarian. Stunningly a fashionista and her work was off the chart. She was a Mom to two boys who are in line to inherit the thrown, but she always kept them grounded. She constantly reminded them how blessed they were and that there are plenty of children in the world who have nothing....

Diana's death was devastating to so many. I know I wore black for a full week. It was as if I lost my best friend. I was so sad. I remember every event leading up to finding out she passed. She was my generation's...."where were you when Kennedy was shot" we will always remember. Even Dan Rather cried on air as he reported her death. Oprah was devastated and Katie Couric was speechless.

Once she died, I stopped collecting things. Everything for sale was for a 'charity' but i never knew where the money was going. it seemed pointless. She was gone. I was so happy to go to this exhibit last night. It was good fun reliving my love for Diana, to remember who she was and the wonderful things she did. To learn facts that I had never known, to enjoy time away from the house, the husband and the son. It was great to tell my friends daughter all about a REAL PRINCESS and for her to find the dress that most resembled Cinderella's.

How sad though. Her story of life was told in the gallery in a very classy manner, and then the end. I felt a little heavy, a little sad but a little hopeful too. Being there last night reminded me how the work she did was selfless... A good shot of fantasy and reality.

Can You Hear Me?

Do you ever feel that doing the right thing never gets yo anywhere? You know being an honest person and making good solid choices constantly puts you behind the eight ball or up at night with worries or that no one believes you when you tell the honest truth?

I like to think my parents raised me in a good manner. I was never in trouble with the law. I kept my curfew, I was polite and did okay in school, had good friends and even enjoyed being with my family. Not wanting or aspiring to be a big star or a millionaire or anything but a good mom and wife and person in society....I think I am.

Funny though, Dan and I were just talking today about how we like to do the right thing and make good choices and work hard and just live...We have been happy this way, but you know there is always something that derails my "goodie two shoes" attitude.... and it kinda pisses me off. When I turned 40 last June, I made a fist and pounded it solid on the counter and stated.."I'm done with other people shit, I'm tired of being used and pushed around, I'm over being used and from now on it's gonna be my turf, my time and it's all about ME.." well, you get the idea, but what I did not know was that when I pounded my fist on the counter, I was also pregnant...so it never has been about me. Again, I am not looking for accolades...

I am just stating that I'm wondering if there will ever be a time that MY game will be played. That I can step up to the plate and show people who I am, that I don't always have to be the good guy and I will kick some ass. ... I am always afraid of pissing people off and hurting feelings....but what I am contiguously gathering is that it's all people do. And they seem to sleep pretty well at night while I am up blogging, just to get things off my chest so I too can sleep.

I am amazed daily at peoples actions, their ability to lie, steal, cheat and more and it's okay. I have a hard time playing this game. A really hard time. I will toss and turn for days, I will pray for God to lift the burden and I will actually get sick to my stomach, cry and upset my husband.... But I have this small child to raise in this unforgiving world and what am I to do? Teaching him wrong from right is actually wrong now, so it seems.....This is tough. hmmm.
I KNOW that if you choose bad, it will come back and bite you in the ass eventually...(and believe you me, sometimes I WISH I would be around to see it with some people) but for now....
I am tired of getting kicked and pushed around... I really am. One day it would be really nice for someone to say...'How are YOU today Missi?' or 'What would YOU like to do?'

Maybe I am contradicting myself, just yesterday I blogged about being selfless, and here I am today saying..I want...I want.. but it's not so much I want tangible, it's I guess I am looking to be heard every once in a while and knowing that doing the right thing makes you heard and people can see...the right path.....

Can you?

I heard a really good quote today.. lets see if I can remember it...

"It's always a good feeling doing something for someone in need."

I thought it was great to hear that. It made me think about my space and my place and wonder if I am doing things for people in need.
Okay I have a baby so that's fine, but outside my box, what am I doing and how can I be helping.
Let me get something straight. I am not wanting to do something for someone just to pat myself on the back, THAT is not me, it's a flutter I get in my heart when someone is in need and I have been able to help them. It's their smile or their humble 'Thank You' or a small touch of the hand. I don't know, but when I can sacrifice for someone who needs something so much more than me it's like everything comes together.

I hope I can teach that to Joey...I hope I can teach him to be selfless. I think greed gets people a long way and greed makes people successful, selflessness does not, but people who are selfless don't need the fame and success, they don't need that desire of self-righteousness, they just want to help.

I think it has to start early too, like the kids at a young age who "wants this" or "is this mine" or "I want that" crap. here is the thing...give the kids what they want all the time...they play with it, see something else and want that other thing. Bored and tired with the first now they expect you to get the other thing cause they are over the first thing. A monster cycle. But as that child grows it is juster was as they will be as an adult. Bored with this job, do some thing else...(can't hold a job down or doesn't want to work hard for anything expecting people to do everything for them) Never bring satisfied with what you have and wanting more. Never being grateful for the things you do have and the things you want but don't have.....

People laugh at us 'cause we still use our VCR. (just making a point)

Look at where you are and ask yourself, can you be selfless and give to someone. Can you totally sacrifice for someone else.....(and be honest, not like your kids or your husband or your wife.) Can you step out of the box?

All Excuses....

My mother recently told me that my sweet cousin's wife has been admitted to a rehab center on the Cape. She is a drinker....a serious drinker. (this could explain SOOOO much)

The shit part is that she is a closet drinker and she kept it hidden from everyone. My cousin does not drink so he had no idea. It was not until his young son, about 7 or 8 told him and my cousin's mother-in-law about her activities. How he would come home from school and see his own mother in the state that she was in from drinking. How he never wanted to walk in the door after school because he did not want to see her. How he use to HATE getting IN THE CAR with her because she had been drinking...I cried terribly today for him. for my cousin and his son. NO ONE should be driving when they have been drinking, never mind their own children around... you have some nerve woman .....CRAP. what the hell..

I lost a brother to a drunk driving accident...I can't tell you how strong I feel about this. I don't care if you have a sip...you don't friggin' drive. (enough of my soap box)

So this little courageous boy stands up to his over bearing mother's family to tell them all. They put her in a rehab and the insurance only pays for five days, just enough time for her to be pissed and come out of there to find her son, who told on her, is at Children's Hospital in Boston having hip surgery, and this could and most likely will send he back to her closet habits. Her family does NOTHING but make excuses for her....

"Oh you know she needs a break." or
"she has never felt comfortable there..." or
"Oh she has an image to uphold." or
"work is so stressful and then with the children.." or
"oh a drink here and there is no big dear." or
"she was very very busy at work." or
"she just needs to take the edge off."

It's all an excuse, a fucking excuse, so THEY too can't see that she has a problem.

Here is my passion okay...first losing my brother....second. My cousin is one of the sweetest men that has ever walked this earth. He is kind and gentle and has been fighting to save his family for years. (she and her family are a bit difficult if you will, they will hold a grudge until the final days.) He has never deserved the shit that she has put him through. He is always working and trying to take care of his children and keep his marriage alive so he does not have to subject his kids to the single parent life. (He is from a broken home, and his father never wanted anything to do with him and his brothers.) He is just a great guy. Always has had a fun sense of humor and is full of love. I am sooo sorry that this is what is going on in his world. I have been in tears today thinking about this and it has really bothered me. I just love him so much that I hate that he has to go through this.

I have never personally had alcoholism in my immediate family. I don't know, but I do know I have never had a drink and driven home. I have never had a good time out because I am always the designated driver...I can say when you are not drinking it's no fun watching others get stupid and sloppy, quiet and moods change. I rarely drink, it's no fun anymore I leave it up to other people and let them carry the demons around...LOOK I am not saying that drinking is bad or wrong, I would love to relax with a good glass of red wine after a long day. I love red wine, but I just can't do it right now..plus my wine taste is very expensive and I can think of lots of other stuff to do with that money than to blow it on a bottle of wine. What pleasure will I get from it three days after it's gone. At least my electric bill has been paid and the air is on. I relax other ways...somedays....I enjoy my life and I don't have to piss it away.....(my soap box again)

I was told a saying today about how a close recovering alcoholic thinks.....'One drink is to many, a thousand drinks is not enough.'... Sounds about right.

I give people A LOT of credit who can over come this terrible addiction. Yes I do. It is not easy and it forces you to take a good look at yourself. Stripped down and raw....the majority of us can't do that. I hope that she will be better...(I doubt it though.) I just have felt sooo bad for my cousin and his kids. It's not anyway to live. His cross is so heavy, he knows it too. I just hope he will be okay as well as his two kids. That little boy has many many years to remember how things were and what he saw. I hope he too will find peace in his mind and heart and life.

Probation Period OVER!

My sweet son turned three months old today.

I cannot believe it. Three months. How time flies...(well)

I am only a first time mom and this is my last time being a mom too....but I have to say... SHIT it is NOT easy. Some people can say "time flies, before you know it he willbe in college" and I think back on these past three months...LOVING every minute of having Joey in my life... yeah it has gone by fast, some days and some days it has gone by slow.

I never thought motherhood would be an easy task. I remember babysitting one time and I was taking Care of this kid for a week while his folks were enjoying the sun, (this is when I was living in Hingham). So he was a bit challenging at this age of two and still lots of fun. I was and am always one to keep busy, so there was a lot going on for us, but at one point mid week I remember stopping and thinking..."Crap, how do single parents do this?" Now I was just babysitting, and I was tired... I have no idea how a single mom can do all that is done, and work and daycare and other stuff..

My little man is easy. We have climbed over the colic stuff and have just started thinking about a routine.....I LOVE routines. I can plan around them and through them. Structure is what I like and I am hoping that with this new month of age, my son will pick up on the "routine" thing...

We'll see....whatever comes our way comes.. I am ready and almost prepared.

For those curious minds...

No he is not sleeping through the night. I am up a few times, and love every moment of it.

I am still breastfeeding and hate using formula. He really does not care much for it either.

I have no plans to get back to the grind as of yet and I love every minute of that, yet it mean we will be poor and that is fine.....

On our walk tonight, Dan and I were thinking back at three months ago today. The little man in our arms as a newbie, a plebe a freshman.....He is three months old today... He is 90 days old.

He has passed the probation period, is super fun, super cute and we're gonna keep him...

Entering a New Phase

I know for all my peeps, it has been over a month since my last entry...
SOOOO Sorry. I am trying to just get this mother thing down and it looks as if it is all coming together.
(except for my hot flashes... Umm unbalanced hormones suck)
But all in all my son is Three months old today and I put him in his crib this morning and he is actually taking a nap....
This is HUGE...
So with that said, I thought I would just ask all of you to hang in there with me, I have soooo much to say, and so much is happening that we need to share, but I have some housework to do.
I have no idea how long Joey will be sleeping, so I need to get as much done as possible.
I will be back though...
Memorial Day weekend is upon us and it's a wonderful time to remember....
I am entering a new phase with so much.
I will love and share very soon.
Thanks for waiting....

Think Tim McGraw....

When I was young, like in high school, for some reason I had always wanted to do two things... One drive across country in a jeep and two live in Washington D.C. I don't know why D.C but it always seemed like a city that was full of culture, power and honor. Lots of history and since I wanted to be an Early American History teacher (which I am not) I thought D.C would be a great place.....


SO I had the chance when I was like 26 and moved there. Well, not right in the city but first I stayed with friends in Northern Virginia, and then I moved to Maryland. I also attended the University of Maryland in College Park for two years. I was so glad I was there.


I had access to the city twenty four seven. It was great. All the wonderful monuments are free and so much happens. I needed something cultural. Like Boston D.C is a very cultural city. So dabbled in college for a bit, and headed into the real world of Corporate America. Working a gig with Marriott in one of their hotels and finding a place where I belonged then and at that time in my life. It was a good stint and I love that hotel even to this day.....


I fell in love with what was known as "the mid-Atlantic region" Virginia, Maryland and D.C. there was so much to do all the time. Even when I was busy and spent, there was so much going on. Although most of my time was spent working, which I did not mind, because the people at the hotel became my family away from home, I had some really great opportunities being there and meeting and be-friending some really wonderful people as well as some not so wonderful people.
Anyway, I loved that area to live in and I would go back to it in a heart beat.

While working at the hotel, I met this guy from a friends and he was a bit dishy...Okay not really , but he was really into country music, so I got into country music. Even own a pair of cowboy boots which I love. So there were a few other friends that liked country music and at one time a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to the Tim McGraw concert. "Hell yeah, I wanted to go." (that experience is another blog in itself) But I bought his tape, (CD's were just making an appearance) and I would listen to a few songs and that was all.
I had this gig one day for the hotel and that was at some golf tournament that was forty minutes away from Bethesda. (heading west, so your heading out to the country now) But the day was a stunning fall day, the leaves were all colors and the temp was, golf pants and a golf shirt kind of a day. Very comfy. I sat on the ninth green and gave out free dinner vouchers for our restaurant at the hotel. It was fun. Something different than usual hotel stuff.....

On the way home from the tournament I was in my own world, loving the sights of the back roads and colors on the trees, the thought of apple picking on my next day off and I was playing the Tim McGraw tape in my car. I let the tape run this time so I listened to it's entirety. There was one song that gripped my heart....'One of These Days'. The words were stunning. I loved this song....I could relate to it so much......(you can find the video on you tube)

Anyway, the other day I had some music on in the house and that song came on. I almost fell over. It's just that it put me back so clearly to that fall day in Maryland. I missed it so much. I missed EVERYTHING about that day and the fall. You know how something triggers a memory or something inside you and you have to pause what you are doing and be in the moment. That's how it was. Complete.
Summer is approaching in Naples very quickly and with a new infant son I am wondering how often we will be outside 'cause it gets so hot. We don't have much of a fall here in Naples either. But I have the fondest memories of the fall from that song and that day and that time of my life.

Taylor Swift sings a song called 'Tim McGraw'... the words..."when you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me." Well, when I think Tim McGraw, I think of that fall day.

Finding Peace in Breastfeeding....

Okay... well this moment actually is HUGE that I can sit down, alone and blog a bit. My son is in his crib sleeping... not sure for how long, but with a lot accomplished, I can blog....

So let me just start by saying..."YES I LOVE MOTHERHOOD". It rocks. I mean my little man is only 5 weeks today....but he is still rather easy... The other day I was sharing with a friend that caring for Joey is fairly easy, it's adding the rest of the world in that complicates things... you know, laundry, shopping, suppers, etc. but all in all it has taken me about 5 weeks to get things under control and I have begun to figure it all out. (so far so good)

Okay the thing I really wanted to blog about is a humbling experience that I have had....and it starts like this....BREASTFEEDING SUCKS. I am not a fan, but I do it. I don't really like it, but I do it. It hurts like hell and you have no idea how much milk your little one is getting, and your boobs hurt, and your nipple are huge and you know. I think the lactation class was great but the teacher should have started out the class by saying how hard it is....I have been very open minded to breastfeeding since I knew i was pregnant. It was the ONLY way I wanted things to go... but we have had to use formula at times and that has worked to my benefit at times too. I pump a lot and feed Joey with my milk from a bottle....I was telling my nurse at the doctors the other day that so many times I want to pick up the phone and call the Dr. and have him give me a water pill to dry everything up...but I don't. She encouraged me more and I really got to thinking about things....
1. I want to quit breastfeeding because it's time consuming.....selfish thought.
2. It hurts and it's uncomfortable....OOOO poor little missy.
3. I OWE it to MY son to give him the BEST possible care I can and breast feeding is part of that.
4. It slows me down.....about time something does.

Then I was watching an episode of "19 Kids and Counting" you know the Duggar Family. That family in Arkansas who have 19 kids....well I LOVE that show. I think they are a great family and that the parents do a great job of raising the children. SO I could really care less your opinion about the show. I am a fan....
What struck me was the newest member of the Duggar clan, was born so early. She was 21 weeks old, (I think) and a pound. 39 days later she weighs in at 2 pounds and something oz. but here is the kicker to me....Michelle Duggar, (the mom) spends 6 hours a day pumping breast milk for her premature daughter, so when the little one can have milk she will have her mothers milk.
Michelle has a deep freezer in the rental home they are staying in close to the hospital for the baby (they live three hours away and they moved their family closer to the hospital so they can be a family and with their baby.) SO she has a deep freezer filled with bottles of frozen breast milk.
It kinda pulled at my heart and hit me between the eyes.....Look what they have already sacrificed for this little baby. All of them moving, their lifestyle and schooling and being a family, Parents time away from the rest of the children so they can be at the hospital with the baby. Michelle spending that much time day and night pumping so her small child can be healthy.... And I am complaining that breastfeeding and pumping is a pain in the ass....Not any more.
I thought about the whole idea and realized, I am putting my conveniences first and what I want first and not thinking about what is best for Joey and even my family. I can breastfeed and I will breastfeed, and since then I have been diligent and happy to do it. I pump when I can and feed when he wants even in the dead of night. It is actually easier. I am doing it....

So thanks Michelle Duggar AGAIN for teaching me a lesson in caring for my child. I am sure you have many more to teach me and I am open to all of them....

So literally...Breastfeeding does suck, but it's Joey who does the sucking and me finding peace in it.

So Here You Have HIM...

Okay...Okay.. I know that I am late on posting this notice... I am 18 days late actually.... but as the old adage goes better late than never right?

HERE HE IS......Joseph Scott Williams was born...Friday February 26, 2010 at 8:31 am.
he weighed in at 8 lbs. 3oz. and was 21 inches long.



He is such a good little man too. The Hospital stay was wonderful too. The nurses helped me with so much and taught us how to really care for Joey. We were so lucky to be there.
Joey was delivered via C-Section and he was a few weeks early. I was not able to meet him until he was about four hours old. I held him and I melted. I wanted to cry with joy..with an overwhelming sense of joy, but my spinal had worn off and my belly was beginning to hurt a bit, so I held my tears back. My husband was with him since the moment he was born and then followed him into the nursery.
They had to clean his lungs out since they had some mucus in them. (this is why I did not meet him until later) he was being checked and observed in the nursery. My family was there and it was a special time. A joyous time really. Joey came into our lives just when he was suppose to and when we needed him most.

This little man is growing in only 18days I cannot believe how big he is and how much he eats...(then again he has that Mayo gene in him) but we are loving being a family.....

Miles on the other hand does not know what to make of this little man. He is very curious and wants to lick him. He too is in need of our attention, which I admit is not always that easy, but Miles sticks out the midnight feedings with me and is right there to tell me if Joey is crying.

I have to be honest, I don't even remember being pregnant not that he is here. Good thing I have that belly cast to remind me. But this is sooo different. I have never thought being a mom would be like this or feel like this. It is hard work, but it is perfect work.

So here you have Him...my son, Joey.....

Sometimes I just look at him and I cannot believe that God chose me to be this little boy's mom. He is just so stinkin' cute...I know I'm the mom so I have to think that, but I really do think it....

"Tomorrow We'll Discover What Our God In Heaven Has In store"

Well, for all my blog fans....my peeps, my followers... this is the last day that Dan and I are "non-parents"

I cannot believe that our son will be born tomorrow. the surgery will be around *am in the morning of the 26th.
This is crazy. The thought now with everything being so close is so surreal. I am not sure what to think about it. I mean I am REALLY excited about this, please don't get me wrong.

We went for our "pore-op." at the hospital this morning and for the last few visits, we have been working with a rockin' nurse from NY, great humor and super honest, so she did my pre-op today and I was reallly able to get to the nitty gritty of things and questions. She was perfect. She will not be there over the weekend when we have Joey, but so far all the nursing staff have been wonderful. They all have great things to say about my Dr. too. Love that.

Dan and I are going out to supper tonight and have a little date. "Cosmo's" I think will be my choice. They have great homemade Italian food and I think I am in the mood for that. Not sure though, we could end up at "five guy's" or someplace else.....but whatever.

I am anticipating a smooth day tomorrow0w with all that is going on. I will miss my little dog though but a few neighbours will be helping care for him and my brother Dale will be here sat, and will stay at the house so he can help with Miles too. Not that I am worried, I just don't like to be away from my little dog for a long time. I do miss him when I am. I wonder what it will be like with a child....OOO does this mean I will never leave him? Holy cow...

So despite everything that has happened in the past few days.. I think we have really turned sorrow into joy. I got a note from a friend this morning. She was telling me how sorry she was for the loss of Dan's dad and how there is always life after death. Her words were all I really needed to read and set into myself for the time of sadness and turning to joy. She is right. I am so blessed to have her and that she reached out like that.

Well, "ONE MORE DAY". My favorite song in Les Miserables. I woke up this morning singing it. Just how I was feeling and good laughs about it. ( I wanted to post the song but I am not that computer savvy)
Thanks to everyone for the prayers and well wishes and more through out this time. You rock and you have blessed me and my son beyond belief. If it was not for the support I don't think things could have gone as smooth as they have. Blessings right back..

... from the wonderful mucisal play Les Miserables......."Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in heaven has in store...One more door, one more day..ONE DAY MORE."

And A Little Child Shall Lead Them....

As some of you know we are settling into our last few days of ONLY husband and wife. On Friday February 26th our son Joey will come into this world. We are as excited as we are a little nervous. SO we are taking things as they are right now. We are spending time doing quiet things just to keep ourselves focused on our upcoming event.

Yet last night as we were flipping between the Olympic Games and American Idol, both of our phones went ringing away and Dan's brother -in-law John called to tell us the shitty news of the passing of Dan's father.

I could not believe it. Really. The poor little man has been sick for some time now. In mid December he had a stroke, hospitalized, pulmonary problems, dementia and a weak hear muscle....so where do I start explaining everything....Really? I am not going to.

I am just going to explain that as sick as he was, I am sure his little frail body just could not handle anymore. His Heart stopped and they could not get him back. It was his time to go home and be with the Lord. God's timing is ALWAYS the right time and we never seem to know why he chooses the time that he chose.

This is a fine example of that. Dan just could not get out of his head last night that his dad would not be able to meet his new Grandson. Wondering why did God want Bobby three days before our son was to be born? We will never know because only God knows. But now I look into my husbands eyes and I see how hurt and sad and lost he is.

We are christian people and we believe, that it is a true homecoming when you are called to be home with the Lord. How wonderful. We do not fear death, we seem to fear earth so much more. We believe that being with the Lord really is a celebration. A happy time....and for some reason it is suppose to make things so much easier to deal with.....
I am truly happy for Bobby, he is healthy now and with his family that has gone before him, and he is with Jesus, but with all that being said, I am sad for us. For Dan and his sister. His sister who fought so hard for this man to live and get the best care he was allowed to get. I am sad that everything that has to follow for Dan and his sister with dealing with this is so friggin hard.

We are giving birth on Friday and Dan's niece is on bed rest for her pregnancy for another few weeks, so I have no idea what will happen. I guess Dan and his sister will get together today and they will chat and share and I am sure they will laugh too, they always find something to laugh about.
But I cant help but think that during this time that we should be happy, God had given us something black to put in front of us. It's fine though. A few days of heartbreak and tears followed by the birth of a new baby....we shall see...

For the Bible says..."And a little child shall lead them...."

One Week...

Well, for those of you who do read this and are not on Face book, My son Joey will be born on Friday February 26th 2010.

That is exactly one week from this moment.

I went to the Dr.s the other day and had an ultra sound and Bonnie the tech measured my little big man and said, "right now, he is 8 pounds."
"well, THAT explains everything." I said.

Dr. K asked me if I was ready to have this kid, and I said nodded my head. So we scheduled a date and he is on vacation, but will be back to deliver my son...LOVE that about my Jewish Mohel doctor. He doesn't muck around.

I am ready I think. I am looking forward to meeting my son and becoming a family. I am looking forward to getting home from the hospital and settling in with this baby and having him meet the dog and starting out the four of us. I am looking forward to having Dan home with me and experiencing the true unknown with him. I have no idea what I am getting into but, I can't wait to get in to it.

I have now been out of work for 20 days and I have enjoyed the rest time. The edema has left my feet, but blood pressure is good and my focus is great. Miles is by my side all the time taking care of me when Dan is at work and I do not miss the hotel at all...just a few peeps and that's it.
But you know. Even when I was there, it really made no difference. My focus has always been my personal life, my family and that has always been so much more important than work.

In one week I will be starting a new job. I will be adding MOM to my resume. I can honestly say I am thrilled about it and I am sure it will be hard and it will suck at times and I know my life will change forever... but I think it will also be so joyous and fun and happy and we will laugh just as much as cry and just as much as argue.....Dan wants to be Papa, and I want to be mom or mommy. I don't care.

My son Joseph Scott Williams will be born in one week. ONE FRIGGIN' week.
OMG!

I'm gonna be a mom in one week.

Boppy and a Belly Cast.

There are two things I have wanted in this pregnancy.....

1.A boppy pillow.
You know those pillows that are like half moons and they kind of wrap around your waist and help with the baby when breast feeding? Yeah. It can be used for other things for caring for the baby, but when I first saw them YEARS ago I thought they were the coolest things. I don't know why....

The other thing....
2. A belly cast.....
I think these things are THE coolest memory to have. Making a mold of your pregnant belly, (and boobs) how cool. They sell these kits out there for something like 35-60$..crazy, or you can just buy the stuff at Michael's with their coupons, for much cheaper. ( that's what I did thanks to a friend tipping me off)

The boppy was fun to pick out. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant mom and I took a drive up to Babies R Us and shopped a little bit. The Boppy was the first thing I bought with two slip covers. I was so happy. Again I have n reason why I like this pillow. So time goes on and I won another boppy in a magazine contest, so that made two. Okay this is good. It's good to have two of them for some reason right? why not. Then I also got another for my baby sower from a friend. I loved it. Much prettier than the other two I have.
I didn't want to return any of them. I have a feeling that they all will be used and used well. So I gave the one I got from my shower to my mom. That one has green and yellow pretty colors and it's mom's colors at her house. I told her that she will use it when we get to the point her bottle feeding Joey and it will be good for her to use when he needs "tummy time play" and stuff. She didn't understand the use of the pillow until she went to an infant care class with me and the teacher of he class raved about the pillow. Then it all came together for mom with the pillow. I kept the other two pillows. One in my bedroom and one for the living room. Just easier I guess. You know but Love these pillows.

Now the cool idea of belly casting. First off, I have written before what a wonderful journey being pregnant has been. Yup. I have loved it and have been blessed. Even now what I really can't do very much at all, but rest and eat. (My son is currently 8 pounds inside me and will be making his debut into the world next week). I have not taken many pictures of my growing belly and documented much, just this blog, but the one thing I have also wanted was a belly cast. SO I was planning to have this ladies night and have women friends over to cast my belly, but it did not pan out, so Dan and I did it the other night.

We had sooooo much fun working with the plaster of paris and decided that if Joey ever has to do a project with that stuff he will not be in school that week. WHAT A MESS. but all in all, it was so cool casting my boobs and belly. (i will post a photo soon). It is still drying on the lanai, and what will er do with is after. Who knows. Put it in a closet, maybe display it, use it as a chip and dip bowl...not sure, But I have one. It helped me understand what my belly looks like. I see it each day in the mirror, but that's different. I now have a great memory of how wonderful I have felt being pregnant. I have a wonderful memory of how big my belly got during this time. I have a wonderful memory of my son inside me. SOOOO happy.

So that's about it. I know odd and simple, but special and happy. It's all it takes.
A boppy and a belly cast....

Today is Valentine's Day.

When you are single you hate this day. when you have someone to love and share it with you love this day. It's funny isn't it?

We are not doing much this Valentine's day. Just laying low. We swapped cards and a few tears and words from our hearts, but that's about it. We seemed to have played all holidays easy this time around with the baby on it's way. We are 15 days and counting..(we think) but we just wanted to keep everything low.

We are not really big fans of this holiday either. Over rated and climbing cost of Valentine cards is CRAZY. But romantic dinners out. We do that anyway. We have a great marriage that to us it is Valentine's day all the time.....BLAHHH, I know sounds Corny, but you know what. We have been together for eight years, married for seven and we are STILL deeply in love with each other. In love and love each other. We just are. So many other people struggle with their relationship. I have no idea what that is like. I could not see myself married to another man. it's that simple. I look at past boyfriends and my brow sweats thinking about what a train wreck my life could have been. God gave me the right partner, the right lover, the right husband to be with. Sure somethings are hard, but with the love and respect that we have for each other, it is Valentine's day all the time for us.

We can't help it. We just feel so strongly about one another. I hope other people feel that way too. So with the celebration of LOVE...it's all in your heart. It's all about how you feel. You can harbor all the bad and never care to see the good, and then hate the love, or you can look and see ALL the good and work through the bad and find all the love that has been intended for you and your partner.

Keep in mind there are a lot of people out here who NEVER feel love. Ever. for various reasons, but they will or have never experienced it. SHAME. I think we are all entitled to have those butterfly feelings and the warmth in our hearts.

So it's Valentine's day. To some it's a wonderful perfect holiday, to others it's a day that just down right sucks. But to me and my husband...it really is just another day to say.."I love you." and mean it.