I can do that....

DO you ever feel that EVERYTHING is just taking you over... Crashing down on you and no matter what.... no matter what you do you cannot get ahead.
Lately it's like my own personal train wreck...(not really that bad but we all have to have our own pity parties)

Can I list all of these things...maybe, but I will not. I just think that I try so hard each day, just the best that I can. I do catch myself when I don't and I get pretty pissed when I do things half arsed.

But for now, I feel like I am struggling with friendships and how to handle them. How to settle feelings and conversations and life with friends. A relationship with friends I have to say is the hardest relationship I could have. I work very hard at my marriage. But friends, hmmm it's far more difficult. I don't ever want to be burned by anyone the way I was from a childhood friend . So I keep things and people at a distance and just do it the way I can do it. I will give a friend everything I have to a fault. But the one thing about friends is....we want approval, we want their love, we want to be happy. I think mostly we want approval....but you know what I want with a friend. It's to be myself and for that friend to be herself. Lay it all out on the table and just be who we are. No judgement. Just ourselves. You want friends that when you see after a long period of time, the conversation picks up right where it was left off... I have two friends like this. and our friendship is beautiful. We laugh and talk and are honest. I cannot say that anyone else that are my friends see me the way these two sisters see me and I don't see any other friends the way I see them. It's a pure agape love....

What about some of the other friends that I have that are not like these two sisters...well, it's work, I am always careful with what I say, where I am, what I wear, agreeing with something when I don't agree. Carefully choosing my words. Being a cheerleader even when I know I will get knocked down. I don't think that that is an honest me....What am I doing?... What am I doing?

Do I keep going on with these friendships? I don't cut anyone off. I have had that done to me and it sucks so I will never do that, but for now I I feel like I am in limbo with a few relationships of people....This is a good time to think about things... Easter week.

Easter and the Fourth of July are my two favorite holidays of all of them.

Easter week... I have a heavy heart too so this could just add so much more to my own shame spiral. But the thought of spring...the green grass, the flowers budding and the snowbirds leaving it is refreshing. The idea of spring cleaning is a good idea..(now I just have to do it) The idea of a new...Spring is not Easter.

Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus. This I like very much. This doing of his. This job he had...

Thursday (today) really is one of my favorite days in Easter week. Maudity Thursday. According to the bible, this was the Last Supper. This is where Jesus showed the most agape love to his buddies and washed their feet. Nothing more humbling than washing feet...someone Else's feet... I was at church one Holy Thursday, and it was time to wash feet. You know how you feel? Maybe not....maybe you don't know... have never washed the feet of a homeless man in the House of God. I washed his feet. Someone else washed mine. You don't chose the feet of the people you wash, it's just do it. Could some of you do it. Jesus did it.

One Good Friday, years ago I called my dad one day to say hello... "Hi dad, what are you doing today?" I asked him.. "I'm just sitting here thinking about what Jesus had to go through today. I was just thinking about what Jesus had to endure just for me and my family."
His answer struck me a bit. It struck me because I know my dad and I know that he WAS thinking about it. He was tossing emotions of the Crucifixion of Jesus, the beatings of Jesus, the humiliation that Jesus endured for my dad. God gave up his son Jesus for us. Mom and dad gave up their son Paul to be with the Lord.

So when Easter Sunday actually come around. (this year I will be working and then dinner with my family) It's a refreshing time. A new life time...a strong time, a time to overcome and gain a new....

So having my own personal train wreck, my pity party, my shame spiral....this is a good time for me to have it... since I have to think about my life and rethink. Start again. Gain anew. A good time of year to really think. Maybe I have to just work harder at the friendships that are difficult. Maybe I have to just take time and be for myself and get it all straight. Maybe I just have to let God choose for me...I like that "maybe" best...

The Jews celebrate their release of freedom from slavery with Passover....usually around the same time as Easter. And Easter is celebrated for the release of Jesus in to his Fathers Kingdom.
I love both of these celebrations...Imagine being released. The Peace.
Would you feel peace?

My train wreck is not that bad....but maybe I just need to clean it up a bit...
I can do that...

It's Official....

I am so happy tonight...it's official the start of Baseball season.. love these month of baseball...

We are Rex Sox fans in our house and it's great. For Dan growing up, he told me that he was a fan of baseball and was a Red's fan. His favorite player was Pete Rose.

I grew up outside of Boston, so I was a Red Sox fan. Growing up I loved the Red Sox. I loved going to Fenway Park and watching the players play the Ameican Game. I was a fan in the 70's so I followed, Fred Lynn, Jim Rice, Rick Burlson, Carl Yaztremski, and my favorite Carlton "Pudge" Fisk. He was the catcher and my man. I has baseball cards, played baseball on the boys team, had baseball shirts and even a hard batting hat. Dad put the number 27 on it for me. That was Fisk's number. Fisk was the catcher of the Red Sox. About ten years ago I was working a Celebrity Golf Tournament and had the opportunity to meet Fisk. He was playing in the tournament along with Johnny Bench and Mike Schmidt (another on of my favorites). Although it had been YEARS since I followed baseball at the time of the Golf Tournament, I was still star struck meeting Fisk. I had to ask him to sign a pin flag, the flag was going to be auctioned off and I could not get up the courage to ask him to sign it. I had to get my sister to do it. A childhood hero, I mean really, how do you do it? I just could not muster up the ability ask this big man to sign a pin flag. By the way, I was in my thirties when all this was going down and my knees were STILL buckling...what a wimp...it's okay, you can say it. I am not star struck by any means, please we all put our pants on one leg at a time, we all have the same color blood and breath the same air, but for some reason, Carlton Fisk....I mean come ON....Mom and dad use to take me to the games every so often. Angie and I even got the chance to have our pictures taken with some players when we were young. One time we had two tickets to the game and mom got out of work early and took me into Fenway Park. When we got there the ticket guy at the turnstiles stopped us and told mom that the tickets were for the game the night before. She was upset because she was afraid of letting me down. So instead of turning around and going home, mom went to the box office and purchased two tickets for the grand stand so she could still take me to the game. Now is that a mom or what?....She sacrificed the money for the tickets to get me to see the game so I would not be disappointed...That's my mom, always putting others first. She sat at the game, in the uncomfortable bleacher seats in Fenway Park. They are rotten seats, but I watched the bull pin and was happy as can be.

As I grew up, my love for baseball faded and I could have cared less about the game. you know I had other things to do and watch and other ways to spend my time. But it wasn't until recently...a few years a go Dan and I were in Boston for Lexie Garrity's high school graduation and my brother Dale had tix to the Red Sox Yankee's game. They were corporate tix for a Green Monster Package and he took us with him. Dan really had no interest in going until we got there. We were with a group for travel people, people that my brother Dale work with and work for. We started the evening with a tour of Fenway Park, got pictures taken, watched pre-game warm up, and settled into our seats on top of the Green Monster. Catered food and lots to drink. Oh yeah, also a players shirt. It was SOOO fun and reinstated my love for the game and the Red Sox. Dan loved it too...Since then, it's Red Sox Nation in our house.

For my birthday last year Angie and Gary treated Danny and I to a Red Sox vs. Rays game in Tampa. It was Brilliant. The four of us had so much fun. My new favorite player is Jason Veritck. The catcher... (something about those catchers) and Dan's player is Josh Beckett. We don't get a lot of games in TV here unless we splurge on the baseball package, but we don't need that right now... so we settle for when we can see the Sox on TV. We make it an event. We have fun. We even went to a Spring Training Game this past March in Ft. Meyers. It was great. Big Papi, Veritck, Jason Bay, Lugo. It was our first spring training game and a great night.

So when tonight the Opening Game was played in Fenway Park, The Sox played The Rays. Sox won. Danny cooked Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. We had peanuts and beer and were happy with the win. Last season, mom and dad stopped by to say hi and the game was on and went into extra innings. Mom and I pulled everything out of the fridge and put out a spread of leftovers and the game went into extra innings. I had such a great night. Dan's dad was visiting with us too, so he got into the game, and we all cheered on our Sox from Naples Florida. Dan took this picture of me and dad watching the game together. Just like when I was a kid. Since we are moving, all the photo's are off the walls and tucked away into boxes, except for this one...

Red Sox Nation Baby.... it's official.....

It's Just.....

So April is here and here I am... April 1st, at 11:00 at night...eww blogging so late.

"Where have I been, why the long gap between entries?" you ask...

my answer...I don't know... I just don't know... It's not like I have gone on a trip...(well maybe in my mind.) but I have been here dealing with the true realities of life.

There is so much going on with me and I don't know where to start and I don't know if I really even feel like penning it. But do know this my dear reader...(s)...I am fine.

Work has me grumbled a bit, but it always does, I am sure it does for you too. I wonder what each day at the hotel will bring. There have been so many talks of layoffs that it is crazy, this person, that person. People who have been there for ever too. Unsettling really. The customers are getting more and more demanding....and grumpier...Is it really MY FAULT that you have to pay $1.50 plus sales tax for your NY Post...(it's a shitty paper anyway) But the bright side of customers is they are there.


Dan and I are in living limbo. we are moving and we are not sure where we are going. We are hoping that we can stay in the neighborhood. Stuff happens and renters have to leave and go someplace else. I am fine w/ the fact that I rent. In fact I actually prefer it over owning. Though I have never owned a home, but I would not want to... People who rent to Dan and I are lucky. We are great tenants. For real. We like to stay put. We keep up the house w/out much bother to the land lord, and we make the house into a home. I love to plant flowers and hang pictures and do all the neighborly things...it's good. But when you have to go, you have to go,and we always have to think about ourselves and what is BEST for us...This is hard for me to do. I seem to always put others first. I am honest to a fault and it ends up biting me in the arse, and when I do put myself in front of others then.. I feel wicked guilty. Hate that. So it's like a no win situation. Any advice from the reader..(s) for me out there?


My dog is another thing. I love that little guy. How can you not? He is constantly smiling at me and wants to be right at my side. He seems to be battling something and I don't know what it is... He is licking his paws. NOT gnawing at them but licking them. In the middle of the night Miles is licking away and waking me up...I can't scold him because he is doing nothing wrong... something is getting to him and he can't tell me. We changed his food, it's a good one now, we bath him, he has flea and tick stuff but lick away....Any suggestions out there?


A few good things are going on though... with the lack of good programing on t.v. I can say that baseball season starts soon, like DAYS away... Red Sox Nation baby... I am looking forward to falling asleep to the sound of the games on t.v.

A friend of mine is having a baby in July, another friend is getting married in August and I am turning 40 in June. Hmm 40...Is that a good thing? It's ponder some really...there are some of you that can say, "40 you are so young" and some that can say, "40? you don't look 40." yeah true, I really don't look or act 40 maybe that's why it's a bit nerve racking...I don't know...

It's Just....