I have noticed one really BIG thing since I have become a mom.....I have no idea where I am....Does this make sense?

You know you always see on Oprah as she does those make-over shows, how the mom's have lost themselves, put on an extra fifty pounds, don't color their hair anymore and just are frumpy... You know and the "excuse" always is that they put their family first and forgot about themselves....TOTALLY see how this can happen....

I have no idea where I am.....

I was looking at someones french manicure the other day as she was holding her little one, about the same age as Joey, and I thought...'Wow, she has time to get a manicure....' but, then again, when was the last time I had a manicure?.. YEARS ago.

Here me, and hear my heart. I am not throwing a pitty part for myself, I am just stating that since I have had a child, I have really given COMPLETELY of myself.
(I used to wonder how it was possible that mom's couldn't get a shower in and now I know.)
I am saying, I LOVE this new venture.

Joey is growing older, he is getting way more mobile and he will be walking soon, I am staring to look in the corners of the house for ME...little by little I find myself coming back to life and reality. It has taken be almost a year, but I have figured out how to take control of a few things and it feels good. I see myself in the mirror and I like what I see and that makes me happy and with that my son is happy and that makes me happier....but what I am seeing is the Me NOW, not the ME b/f.

Dan and I have always had a real giving marriage. We have had no secrets and he has always put me first and I him. This is one really great dynamic that we have. We give of ourselves for each other. We really can attest to understaning the true meaning of The Gift Of The Magi... and we find being this way so simple. He knows everything and I know everything. We share all, and we love to. Now w/ Joey we have given completely to this little man we are raising and it's different... yet scary and completely rewarding. There is NO room at all for "selfish" anything and I like that. We bare ourselves and our hearts to raising our son...The neat thing is, is that Dan and I are on the same wave here when it comes to this. I never get jealous of Dan's time w/ Joey. Some women do. I don't mind when Dan comes home and he loves on Joey b/f he loves on me....some women do. Some women resent that their husbands b/c they put the kids first.....but here is what we see in each other and what we know.... (with each other).. Dan and I were married 7 years b/f Joey and we had all that time to be alone together and build this incredibly secure foundation. We can also identify that the love we have for Joey is a different kind of love that we have for each other, and since Joey has arrived, we have not let Joey jeopardize that love that we have for each other...SO.. with all this rambling on....
I have not minded at all that I have no idea where I have gone. It has been a great 10 months, a fricken HARD 10 months, ( I can't believe that soon we will be celebrating Joey's first birthday.) As I see myself lurking around the corner bit by bit making my way back to myself.. I have to say, I kinda like the fact that I have not been around. I kinda like the fact that I have changes and I have done some spring cleaning w/ myself, that since I have given everything I have to my family and not myself, I kinda like that I have depleted the toxicity that was hanging around and I am finding that there really is no room in this "MOM" persona for bullshit.

I need friends who are positive and loving and not friends who love themselves and are toxic. I can not have that and neither can Joey. I have a small little group of friends who I would consider "organic" meaning....Real. No crap. No drama. No selfish games and No putting others down...They are encouraging, fun, and love their husbands and their kids. LOVE THAT...
It's all coming back, slowly but surely.
The realism of being "Joey's mom" has taken some time to set in, but when I look at that little face of my son and he smiles. I melt.
That's my calling. This is my life, so If I have to stay around the corner for a little longer b/c right now I am finding the "new mom" in Me is making Me a better wife and mom.... when the time comes for ME to emerge from around the corner... I may just ask ME to stay there and let the Me that I am now.... stick around.