Gets Better

I know..... I know it has been months. But life balance is more important.

Stealing a little bit of time right now to catch up.. soon better posts will follow.

Joey turned 2 this year. YES! 2! Fact of the matter... Dan and I ARE doing something right....

I notice this HUGE change in him maybe two weeks before his actual birthday. He became this sponge of life and lessons. He would just soak so much in. I was amazed.

He sits longer when we read to him, he understands so much more, he is receptive to all that is around him and his focus is stronger. He wants to learn as much as he wants to play..... "Dig into creativity Mayo and think of fun ways to play with trucks that is educational" I say to myself all the time. He is interested in how I can connect a bulldozer to the letters of the alphabet and he laughs when we make it work....

He is as tall as a three year old and has only two words in his vocabulary.. I am proud to say it is... Mum-Mum and Dah-Doh...(which is Joey language for TRUCK).... Yup that is it. we try to get him to speak but he wants nothing of it.

Maybe this is a sign that he will be the strong silent type of guy. Maybe it's a sign that he really isn't ready to be thrown out into the world two days a week, maybe it's a sign that there may be years to therapy or not to push the growing up thing, that he is not ready to potty train or speak in sentences or what not.. Look I wonder if I lived in a metropolitan area that I would think differently, you know the pressure of school waiting lists and stuff but here there doesn't seem to be that pressure, when he says the word Mum-Mum or Dah-Doh it is the sweetest sound. I said to Dan the other day as much as I would love for him to talk, I just love his little words. they are HIS words. HIS voice in HIS way. I love that about Joey. He communicates perfectly with us, it's as if he needs not to speak. I never taught him sign language as so many people do,but he can let us know every need he has and we get it completely. I think it's just part of being a parent.

It's an exciting journey to be on. I wonder each day... Is this is... is today the start of the Terrible Two's? and I have seen no signs of them YET. (though I may have just jinxed myself.) Joey is joey and I am enjoying him becoming that boy, the man that he will be.

He is his own private Idaho and I love that about him. I don't compare him to other children, I don't think that is right and I don't see the favor in doing so. Each child as in each of us is different and we were made to be that way.

We had a wonderful birthday party for Joey in celebration of his second birthday. People and kids of all ages were with us...we celebrated with a bubble theme and it was so fun to see all the kids enjoy the bubbles. Joey seemed to have had a good time and that is all that matters.

There is so much more growing to do. Each day is different between now and three. We I expect nothing, my son will learn at his own pace, we will continue to teach him , to nurture him and love on him as much as we can. We are just having a really good time.

This gift of parenthood that God gave us at our old age, was a huge surprise, but it has been the best and most rewarding gift given to us.

Hold on, it only gets better.

I personally feel I use Facebook for so many things. I really don't even like the phone anymore..maybe because when we moved to Marco Island over a year ago, my phone stopped ringing.
(Lets face it. Marco is 16 miles from downtown Naples ((approx. 20min. ride....30min. if you live in North Naples...) which personally I have no qualms about the ride into Naples, but it seems that most of the people that I was friendly with would never take "That long trip to Marco" Whatever))

Anyway, SO I am beginning to connect with quite a few people on Facebook from elementary, Jr. high and high school. I found a Friend who lives in Naples that went to Foster School and Central with me. I was so excited and we met for a chat and had a wonderful time. Great to be with her and since she lives "close" (Naples). We have made more plans to see each other... but there are some people on Facebook, I have to admit that I am not sure about. I read a lot on my friend Lisa's blog about how she was bullied so much by other kids. Bullies to the extent of having to leave one school to join us in Junior High at another school. Her memories of her school years are not so fond, and as I read more about her trials, I can see why. I hope that Lisa does have a few fond memories of the friendship we shared in Jr. High and HHS....we had fun in the summer doing community theatre as well as the Drama Club at HHS....
But she opened up a box that had been shut for years. The High School years. ARGGG. I loathed High School. It really was ONLY the Drama Club and Drama Class that actually got me out of bed each morning to the bus stop in the freezing cold and into homeroom.....Everything else was a total blurr. Honestly...I have run into a few people in my 23 years out of HHS and have had NO IDEA who they were. Shame, but truth.

As a member of the Drama Club I can say you basically marked yourself for bullying. With out a doubt. You NEEDED to be popular, you needed to be from a wealthy family, you needed to have your own car, you needed to play sports, you needed to smoke pot, to drink, to be smarter, to go on lavish spring breaks etc, but if you were in the Drama Club... basically a death sentence. But one thing that ALL those kids that teased Lisa and myself and other from the club never knew was, they really hurt our feelings....The Drama Club was great. We had so much fun and we relished in each others victories as performers, we encouraged each other to do their best and we were fr000iends. We had the most talented teacher in HHS directing us for our High School careers, for living in the moment and preparing us fully for the world beyond HHS auditorium. If we chose to go into acting, production or anything else arts related. It we chose not to continue on out of HHS it didn't matter. He solidified us as people and future... Our other classmates, continued to tease us.
I remember one time during my senior year musical, The Music Man, I was doing a song on stage w/ Jamie and I looked out and saw all the "COOL KIDS" in the audience. Kinda baffled me. A few days later, I asked one of the "cool kids" who was in my history class if they liked the show...."We HAD to go," she said, "We couldn't play in our next game if we didn't see your stupid show."

Look. I could suggest to Lisa that she just GET OVER IT... 23 years is a long time to be carrying around this bully shit, but you know what. I'm not. Lisa is a great activist for bullying and I don't blame her. The thing is.. I see these same "Cool Kids" on friend requests on Facebook. I think back to who there were in HHS. I see photos of their children and I wonder to myself it their kids will be bullies or even be bullied.

I have a child to raise and I have to raise him in a confident manner. I have to try to instill in him goodness and love, compassion and strength. I have to teach him to honor himself and others, to love thy neighbour and his enemies. I have this BIG job ahead of me that he does not fall into either side of that bullying trap, that maybe he could stand up for himself or for another who is a victim of bullying...friend or not.
I mostly stay away from accepting THOSE "friend requests" because of the past....and I am well aware that part of forgiveness is realising that I can't change the past...so 23 years later... may be silly to hold on to something... but maybe I may wait another 10-15 years and see how their children are making out.....
Lisa, this I can say to you.. I will promise to do my best in raising my son to be kind, friendly, strong, and accepting....I will ask GOD each day to give me the tools to provide Joey with positive words for him and others around him in hopes that he will NOT be a bully or a victim, but he would see how others are being hurt by words or actions and he would stand up for them. I promise.

So since Joey was born, I have been struggling with the "Notion" of having him "baptized/christened/dedicated" which ever you want to call it..... When I was pregnant, I thought .."If I have a girl then I am going all 'Godfather' for her Christening.." meaning, my sister was willing to give us wedding gown, full of beautiful silks and we would have thing HUGE dress made,an elaborate ceremony at the church, a tent in the back yard, a band, tons of food, and just go all out....Just like in the movie 'the Godfather', minus the horses head. Why not I am an Italian, it was done for me, I would do it for my daughter... When Joey was born, my thoughts and feelings changed..obviously. It wasn't because I didn't feel he should have a beautiful gown, an elaborate ceremony, a tent in the back yard, tons of food... it was just that my heart was not there...I needed to have something more than 'The Godfather' for him. (again minus the horses head) We didn't have a home church in Naples and since moving to Marco Island we still don't have a home church. I did try out a church on day and at he beginning of the service, there was a baby dedication. It was beautiful, ten little precious bundles of joy all introduced and dedicated to the Lord with the church people all praying for them. Praying that their parents would raise them in a Godly home, that they would be lead to know Jesus in their hearts as soon as possible and that they would follow the path that the Lord provides for them. It was really nice, and I got a bit emotional thinking of my own son. Hmmm. Before he was born, We did ask my sweet brother and best friends Dale and Cesare to be his Godfathers. I know that normally a child has one godfather and one Godmother. In some religions, next to the the parents, it is the Godparents that are responsible for the child should anything happen to the child's parents...this is important. It raises the question of who would Dan and I like to raise our son should anything ever happen to us, (that is another topic) Joey's Godmother's are my sister and my spiritual mentor Paula. So he has pairs and that is what Dan and I felt led to do. Humbly ask these people who play important roles in our live to love our son more..with this "label" attached to them....they all gladly accepted...yet again in some cultures the Godparents have to be of the same practicing faith. Only one of these people are. I was hitting brick walls with many religions and churches here and I was not comfortable inside the walls of an institution with this. My mother and I had thought so much about this and that and where? who? how? and in Florida or in the Boston area or what? I caved one day and said it all needs to wait. Am I having my son Christened for reasons of having a family reunion with people who don't even talk to us, but that is to be expected...or am I having my son Christened because I want him to have that Special Blessing? It was the later. So the topic faded and that was that. Then a few weeks ago, we got a call from a friend of my parents telling us that he and his wife were coming to come to Marco Island for a few days, staying at the hotel, they would love to see us....This was great. We had not seen them in years and the last time they were here was when my dad was alive...so it had been awhile....The topic was beginning to arise in my mind as well in my heart...the right thing was going to be done.... These friends of my parents, I remember growing up with their children. we were all involved with the church. We attended Maryknoll seminary as church and it was great. My parents circle of friends were all from churches. This particular visitor was a pastor at The Baptist Church in my hometown..(not a Southern Baptist, but an American Standard Baptists.) and there was always events that we were attending in churches all over my town, it was unique in the sense, everyone accepted everyone for being a "Child of God" and not a "religion". Something so rare and not found so much today. Well, when Bill and Joy came for supper, I knew what needed to be asked. We all talked for hours. My mom and I were so happy to have them, they loved on Joey and Bill shared so much about my father I never knew..during dessert, I asked them if they would come back tomorrow night and Christen/Baptize/Dedicate Joey. I explained we don't have a home church, I don't want the hoopla and just something simple and small and how I really felt with Bill being a pastor,a part of our spiritual family and, he being one of my father's closest friend and spiritual brother's it was important for me to have him bless US with blessing our son. He said "Lets do it." my heart was joyous. The next night they came back and with Holy water in a bowl that I had painted, my son dresses up looking like he should be on the docks of Newport Rhode Island, Bill Christened my son Joesph Scott Williams and blessed him with the blessings of Jesus Christ. I, naturally was in tears. I saw my husbands eyes. He too was extremely moved. He really could have cared less what we did,but he wanted it right. This was it. We didn't have Godparents and tents and gowns and food. We just had a circle of life, the presence of Christ and a very happy thirteen month old baby boy. I felt peace. IN all the time thinking about "What am I gonna do?" feeling inside me.... God opened this door and made happen EXACTLY what was to happen. Just what I really did want. Simple. Simple as the faith we have for Jesus and He has for us. My son is now "Official". I hope Bill and Joy know what they did for us that night is beyond thanks....it is a lifetime of a blessing, now Dan and I really have work to do......

I have noticed one really BIG thing since I have become a mom.....I have no idea where I am....Does this make sense?

You know you always see on Oprah as she does those make-over shows, how the mom's have lost themselves, put on an extra fifty pounds, don't color their hair anymore and just are frumpy... You know and the "excuse" always is that they put their family first and forgot about themselves....TOTALLY see how this can happen....

I have no idea where I am.....

I was looking at someones french manicure the other day as she was holding her little one, about the same age as Joey, and I thought...'Wow, she has time to get a manicure....' but, then again, when was the last time I had a manicure?.. YEARS ago.

Here me, and hear my heart. I am not throwing a pitty part for myself, I am just stating that since I have had a child, I have really given COMPLETELY of myself.
(I used to wonder how it was possible that mom's couldn't get a shower in and now I know.)
I am saying, I LOVE this new venture.

Joey is growing older, he is getting way more mobile and he will be walking soon, I am staring to look in the corners of the house for ME...little by little I find myself coming back to life and reality. It has taken be almost a year, but I have figured out how to take control of a few things and it feels good. I see myself in the mirror and I like what I see and that makes me happy and with that my son is happy and that makes me happier....but what I am seeing is the Me NOW, not the ME b/f.

Dan and I have always had a real giving marriage. We have had no secrets and he has always put me first and I him. This is one really great dynamic that we have. We give of ourselves for each other. We really can attest to understaning the true meaning of The Gift Of The Magi... and we find being this way so simple. He knows everything and I know everything. We share all, and we love to. Now w/ Joey we have given completely to this little man we are raising and it's different... yet scary and completely rewarding. There is NO room at all for "selfish" anything and I like that. We bare ourselves and our hearts to raising our son...The neat thing is, is that Dan and I are on the same wave here when it comes to this. I never get jealous of Dan's time w/ Joey. Some women do. I don't mind when Dan comes home and he loves on Joey b/f he loves on me....some women do. Some women resent that their husbands b/c they put the kids first.....but here is what we see in each other and what we know.... (with each other).. Dan and I were married 7 years b/f Joey and we had all that time to be alone together and build this incredibly secure foundation. We can also identify that the love we have for Joey is a different kind of love that we have for each other, and since Joey has arrived, we have not let Joey jeopardize that love that we have for each other...SO.. with all this rambling on....
I have not minded at all that I have no idea where I have gone. It has been a great 10 months, a fricken HARD 10 months, ( I can't believe that soon we will be celebrating Joey's first birthday.) As I see myself lurking around the corner bit by bit making my way back to myself.. I have to say, I kinda like the fact that I have not been around. I kinda like the fact that I have changes and I have done some spring cleaning w/ myself, that since I have given everything I have to my family and not myself, I kinda like that I have depleted the toxicity that was hanging around and I am finding that there really is no room in this "MOM" persona for bullshit.

I need friends who are positive and loving and not friends who love themselves and are toxic. I can not have that and neither can Joey. I have a small little group of friends who I would consider "organic" meaning....Real. No crap. No drama. No selfish games and No putting others down...They are encouraging, fun, and love their husbands and their kids. LOVE THAT...
It's all coming back, slowly but surely.
The realism of being "Joey's mom" has taken some time to set in, but when I look at that little face of my son and he smiles. I melt.
That's my calling. This is my life, so If I have to stay around the corner for a little longer b/c right now I am finding the "new mom" in Me is making Me a better wife and mom.... when the time comes for ME to emerge from around the corner... I may just ask ME to stay there and let the Me that I am now.... stick around.

New Years Sick Bay

Seriously, I started out 2011 with a phone call from Dan, "Umm, My boss is sending me home. We think I have a viral infection, I am coming home early and maybe later I will want to go to the ER...."
"Shit." I say to myself...."I can't do this right now."
Yet, all day I have Joey in my arms and I can just feel that something is not right with him. Although he does not fun at all when he doesn't feel good, I just had that feeling.....(and I will say, this really and truly is the first time I have had that motherly instinctual feeling that something is not right...It was kinda cool, cause it seemed to solidify motherhood.) But, I kept feeling Joey's little head and it was warm, his cheeks, warm, his back, warm.. I slept with him for is morning nap so he would sleep more than 20 min, he slept for three hours. I KNEW something wasn't right.
When Dan came home, I asked him to feel Joey," I think he has a fever, but I am not getting an accurate reading on the thermometer."
"I have a fever, I can't touch him if I have a fever." and off he went to his man cave.
Mom comes home from work...."Can you feel Joey, I think he has a fever."
"Oh honey he feels fine to me..." and off she went to lay down.
"Really, fine?" I was gonna take him to the park to play, it was such a nice day, but he was rubbing his eyes and that surprised me since he slept so well this morning, so we went to nap number two. Another two hours.
Once we got up, Dan emerged from the man cave and said he wanted to go to the hospital....mom wanted to not go to church and stay w/ Joey. I was changing Joey and I finally got a good reading and BOOM, he had a fever. I hollered from our room, "Joey has a high temp, we are all going to the hospital."
Packed the car and off we went. We opted for Physicians Regional on 951 cause it's never busy and it's CLEAN....so we waited only 20 min to get in. Dan was checked first by the nurse and then Joey, she took his temp in the bum and BOOM, 104.7, (way higher than what I got at home) my knees went weak. I had visions of mom going home, packing the wrong stuff in a bag and then hauling me and Joey up to North Naples Hospital to put him in the baby ward....(I had a tear running down my face.)
SO our evening progresses in the ER. We are assigned to curtain 14 and this tech comes in to give Dan a nasal culture and one for Joey....Now keep something in mind. Dan is sick so he has not held Joe since the day before. I see the tech give Dan this nasal culture, thank God I was sitting down, cause now she has to do it to Joe and I have to hold him. I close my eyes and hear this screech from my son. Yes, NOW I am crying...
I will make the story shorter in a moment.....
The tech said.."Sweetie, I have six kids, you better be ready for lots of this stuff, stitches, broken bones, ear infections, etc...."
" I know, I know." I say.... and the night went on. I also remebered when Joey was circumsised, THAT in itself is a great story, and after that I knew I could handle anything....(I must be getting mushy in my old age)

I am aware of all this stuff that will happen to Joey. Someday he will get punched (after he throws a few himself). Someday he will break a bone or two, he will have stitches, scrapped knee's blah blah blah, but it was the culture that she was giving him that got me. Joey was born only two weeks early and although he had to spend time in the nursery right after he was born, for them to watch he didn't have to have lots of stuff stuck to him. My best friend Pam, her son was born like 10 weeks early and spent sooo much time in the NICU with being poked and prodded and it didn't stop there when he was finally able to come home. My other friend Maria, she want through almost the same as Pam....and here is my little dude and a nose culture...."SUCK IT UP MAYO" I thought... this could be so much worse.
They kept us there for a few hours, every ones temp went down (a little) and they sent us home w/ prescriptions. Dan= the old fashioned influenza, Joey= ear infection... (so the doctor says) Not ONCE did my son pull at his ears.
The next day, mom came home from work sick as a dog. I about threw the towel in. Dan in his man cave being a typical sick male, Joey, glued on my hip still w/ a fever and now mom, my only hope, my only escape and she is tucked in bed sick. There is me and the dog....I about lost my mind.
So now, tonight.. the house is healing, Joey slept with me again last night. All the meds and stuff I had to pump into my son..(hate that) finally paid off, his fever broke, but I am not convinced he is better. Dan, his fever broke, but he is still hiding out in his man cave healing. He is terribly weak and certainly not up to any par. Mom, however, my saving grace, is much better... common cold. She was able to watch Joey for me so I could run to the store for 30 min.
Look. This is it. for now...... Tomorrow is a new day and I hope more healing comes to the family throughout the night. My husband wants to hold and love on his son. I just want 20 minutes alone, by myself. But here is how we start the new year....Now this new decade will bring lots more, and after this.. Bring it on...
New Years Sick Bay....

(my little man's first trip to the ER..)

Just Try...

I am working my way through this Christmas season as a 'new mom' if you will....
My son will be10 months old the day after Christmas and Dan and I still cannot believe it. 10 months. This blows us away... Dan always says "I swear I just brought you and Joey home from the hospital three months ago." I feel that way too. When people say enjoy every minute of your child being a baby...THEY MEAN IT....
Again I am getting off the beaten path here....

SO Christmas as a 'new mom' is heaps different that just a regular Christmas, like the ones I have always celebrated...as a daughter,a wife, a sister, a friend, a babysitter, an employee...Now I have a little man to lavish in Santa gifts and I really dig it. My husband and I are really in need of nothing we just want to have a great day with Joey and see how he can have fun. I have rightfully expected the solitary interest he will have in either the sticky bows or the wrapping paper. I am aware as EVERYONE tells us that he will be way more into tat than the gifts themselves... So this brought on a little experiment Christmas week.....

Joey has a wonderful Godmother who sends him gifts each holiday. Mostly books that represent the particular holiday at hand...so she sent him a big box of fun.The books are wonderful, it's the wrapped gifts that have gone untouched...sort of. I took one of her gift and I have each day been putting it in front of him to see if he will open it. He really has no interest. Little by little he has torn a piece of paper of and that's it. Last weekend some family came for three days and blessed him with so many fun things..and we all had eyes on him as he sat in front of the gifts to open....He looked at them. Looked around quizzically like he was trying to spot something, took a deep breath, let out a little squeak and BOOM...he was off crawling his way over to the dog's water bowl to tip it over....
Here is the thing.... Joey is still a "baby" even though he is tall and soo mobile. You forget he can't do stuff...
I said to Dan, "Christmas morning is gonna be a long morning opening what Babo Natale brings" and that's fine..."be sure to have a bottle of champagne chilled so we can celebrate our first Christmas with our son."
We are excited, and if it takes three days to open Babo Natale's gifts then that's okay too. Babo Natale is not bringing lots an lots of stuff.. he is leaving that to Joey's aunts and uncles..
Next year the real Christmas lessons start though. There is an understanding of this holiday that is important for Joey to learn.. It is the understanding of the birth of Jesus Christ and the importance of all that depends or relies on that little baby born in a manger. There is the importance of the multitude of angels, the shepard's and the gift from the (three "wise guys' as we call them) Magi....As he grows I hope to instill in him Christmas and his surroundings. I am sure there will be years that Dan will have to work and Joey and I will go and do something for others...Be it delivering food to home bound, serving at a shelter or something, but it is sooo important for my son to understand the gift of giving..the gift of giving and not receiving..the wonderful light spirited feeling you get when you give someone a smile, a dinner, a batch of cookies, a bathrobe, a hot meal or even a hug.
When you celebrate Christmas this year with your children or your family or yourself try stepping out of your box and reach out to someone who you would never reach out to and let them see your smile or the touch of your hand on theirs and let them know you care....even if you don't know them. You will be amazed..you will change some one's heart even if you don't think you did....Just try.....

I am well aware that it has been about five months since I have blogged... got it...(Pam)...but I have been a little busy and tired and stuff....K? (joey) ANYWAY....



So, tonight is not the night to blog. I will default it to another night, but it has taken a long time b/c...It only took Joey 8 months to sleep through the night...and he is 9 1/2 months now...meaning I am little by little catching up on sleep.. so my mind and my thoughts are starting to come back like a real human....



Hang in there (Pam).....You'll have a post b/f Christmas....