I have noticed one really BIG thing since I have become a mom.....I have no idea where I am....Does this make sense?
You know you always see on Oprah as she does those make-over shows, how the mom's have lost themselves, put on an extra fifty pounds, don't color their hair anymore and just are frumpy... You know and the "excuse" always is that they put their family first and forgot about themselves....TOTALLY see how this can happen....
I have no idea where I am.....
I was looking at someones french manicure the other day as she was holding her little one, about the same age as Joey, and I thought...'Wow, she has time to get a manicure....' but, then again, when was the last time I had a manicure?.. YEARS ago.
Here me, and hear my heart. I am not throwing a pitty part for myself, I am just stating that since I have had a child, I have really given COMPLETELY of myself.
(I used to wonder how it was possible that mom's couldn't get a shower in and now I know.)
I am saying, I LOVE this new venture.
Joey is growing older, he is getting way more mobile and he will be walking soon, I am staring to look in the corners of the house for ME...little by little I find myself coming back to life and reality. It has taken be almost a year, but I have figured out how to take control of a few things and it feels good. I see myself in the mirror and I like what I see and that makes me happy and with that my son is happy and that makes me happier....but what I am seeing is the Me NOW, not the ME b/f.
Dan and I have always had a real giving marriage. We have had no secrets and he has always put me first and I him. This is one really great dynamic that we have. We give of ourselves for each other. We really can attest to understaning the true meaning of The Gift Of The Magi... and we find being this way so simple. He knows everything and I know everything. We share all, and we love to. Now w/ Joey we have given completely to this little man we are raising and it's different... yet scary and completely rewarding. There is NO room at all for "selfish" anything and I like that. We bare ourselves and our hearts to raising our son...The neat thing is, is that Dan and I are on the same wave here when it comes to this. I never get jealous of Dan's time w/ Joey. Some women do. I don't mind when Dan comes home and he loves on Joey b/f he loves on me....some women do. Some women resent that their husbands b/c they put the kids first.....but here is what we see in each other and what we know.... (with each other).. Dan and I were married 7 years b/f Joey and we had all that time to be alone together and build this incredibly secure foundation. We can also identify that the love we have for Joey is a different kind of love that we have for each other, and since Joey has arrived, we have not let Joey jeopardize that love that we have for each other...SO.. with all this rambling on....
I have not minded at all that I have no idea where I have gone. It has been a great 10 months, a fricken HARD 10 months, ( I can't believe that soon we will be celebrating Joey's first birthday.) As I see myself lurking around the corner bit by bit making my way back to myself.. I have to say, I kinda like the fact that I have not been around. I kinda like the fact that I have changes and I have done some spring cleaning w/ myself, that since I have given everything I have to my family and not myself, I kinda like that I have depleted the toxicity that was hanging around and I am finding that there really is no room in this "MOM" persona for bullshit.
I need friends who are positive and loving and not friends who love themselves and are toxic. I can not have that and neither can Joey. I have a small little group of friends who I would consider "organic" meaning....Real. No crap. No drama. No selfish games and No putting others down...They are encouraging, fun, and love their husbands and their kids. LOVE THAT...
It's all coming back, slowly but surely.
The realism of being "Joey's mom" has taken some time to set in, but when I look at that little face of my son and he smiles. I melt.
That's my calling. This is my life, so If I have to stay around the corner for a little longer b/c right now I am finding the "new mom" in Me is making Me a better wife and mom.... when the time comes for ME to emerge from around the corner... I may just ask ME to stay there and let the Me that I am now.... stick around.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Years Sick Bay
Seriously, I started out 2011 with a phone call from Dan, "Umm, My boss is sending me home. We think I have a viral infection, I am coming home early and maybe later I will want to go to the ER...."
"Shit." I say to myself...."I can't do this right now."
Yet, all day I have Joey in my arms and I can just feel that something is not right with him. Although he does not fun at all when he doesn't feel good, I just had that feeling.....(and I will say, this really and truly is the first time I have had that motherly instinctual feeling that something is not right...It was kinda cool, cause it seemed to solidify motherhood.) But, I kept feeling Joey's little head and it was warm, his cheeks, warm, his back, warm.. I slept with him for is morning nap so he would sleep more than 20 min, he slept for three hours. I KNEW something wasn't right.
When Dan came home, I asked him to feel Joey," I think he has a fever, but I am not getting an accurate reading on the thermometer."
"I have a fever, I can't touch him if I have a fever." and off he went to his man cave.
Mom comes home from work...."Can you feel Joey, I think he has a fever."
"Oh honey he feels fine to me..." and off she went to lay down.
"Really, fine?" I was gonna take him to the park to play, it was such a nice day, but he was rubbing his eyes and that surprised me since he slept so well this morning, so we went to nap number two. Another two hours.
Once we got up, Dan emerged from the man cave and said he wanted to go to the hospital....mom wanted to not go to church and stay w/ Joey. I was changing Joey and I finally got a good reading and BOOM, he had a fever. I hollered from our room, "Joey has a high temp, we are all going to the hospital."
Packed the car and off we went. We opted for Physicians Regional on 951 cause it's never busy and it's CLEAN....so we waited only 20 min to get in. Dan was checked first by the nurse and then Joey, she took his temp in the bum and BOOM, 104.7, (way higher than what I got at home) my knees went weak. I had visions of mom going home, packing the wrong stuff in a bag and then hauling me and Joey up to North Naples Hospital to put him in the baby ward....(I had a tear running down my face.)
SO our evening progresses in the ER. We are assigned to curtain 14 and this tech comes in to give Dan a nasal culture and one for Joey....Now keep something in mind. Dan is sick so he has not held Joe since the day before. I see the tech give Dan this nasal culture, thank God I was sitting down, cause now she has to do it to Joe and I have to hold him. I close my eyes and hear this screech from my son. Yes, NOW I am crying...
I will make the story shorter in a moment.....
The tech said.."Sweetie, I have six kids, you better be ready for lots of this stuff, stitches, broken bones, ear infections, etc...."
" I know, I know." I say.... and the night went on. I also remebered when Joey was circumsised, THAT in itself is a great story, and after that I knew I could handle anything....(I must be getting mushy in my old age)
I am aware of all this stuff that will happen to Joey. Someday he will get punched (after he throws a few himself). Someday he will break a bone or two, he will have stitches, scrapped knee's blah blah blah, but it was the culture that she was giving him that got me. Joey was born only two weeks early and although he had to spend time in the nursery right after he was born, for them to watch he didn't have to have lots of stuff stuck to him. My best friend Pam, her son was born like 10 weeks early and spent sooo much time in the NICU with being poked and prodded and it didn't stop there when he was finally able to come home. My other friend Maria, she want through almost the same as Pam....and here is my little dude and a nose culture...."SUCK IT UP MAYO" I thought... this could be so much worse.
They kept us there for a few hours, every ones temp went down (a little) and they sent us home w/ prescriptions. Dan= the old fashioned influenza, Joey= ear infection... (so the doctor says) Not ONCE did my son pull at his ears.
The next day, mom came home from work sick as a dog. I about threw the towel in. Dan in his man cave being a typical sick male, Joey, glued on my hip still w/ a fever and now mom, my only hope, my only escape and she is tucked in bed sick. There is me and the dog....I about lost my mind.
So now, tonight.. the house is healing, Joey slept with me again last night. All the meds and stuff I had to pump into my son..(hate that) finally paid off, his fever broke, but I am not convinced he is better. Dan, his fever broke, but he is still hiding out in his man cave healing. He is terribly weak and certainly not up to any par. Mom, however, my saving grace, is much better... common cold. She was able to watch Joey for me so I could run to the store for 30 min.
Look. This is it. for now...... Tomorrow is a new day and I hope more healing comes to the family throughout the night. My husband wants to hold and love on his son. I just want 20 minutes alone, by myself. But here is how we start the new year....Now this new decade will bring lots more, and after this.. Bring it on...
New Years Sick Bay....
(my little man's first trip to the ER..)
"Shit." I say to myself...."I can't do this right now."
Yet, all day I have Joey in my arms and I can just feel that something is not right with him. Although he does not fun at all when he doesn't feel good, I just had that feeling.....(and I will say, this really and truly is the first time I have had that motherly instinctual feeling that something is not right...It was kinda cool, cause it seemed to solidify motherhood.) But, I kept feeling Joey's little head and it was warm, his cheeks, warm, his back, warm.. I slept with him for is morning nap so he would sleep more than 20 min, he slept for three hours. I KNEW something wasn't right.
When Dan came home, I asked him to feel Joey," I think he has a fever, but I am not getting an accurate reading on the thermometer."
"I have a fever, I can't touch him if I have a fever." and off he went to his man cave.
Mom comes home from work...."Can you feel Joey, I think he has a fever."
"Oh honey he feels fine to me..." and off she went to lay down.
"Really, fine?" I was gonna take him to the park to play, it was such a nice day, but he was rubbing his eyes and that surprised me since he slept so well this morning, so we went to nap number two. Another two hours.
Once we got up, Dan emerged from the man cave and said he wanted to go to the hospital....mom wanted to not go to church and stay w/ Joey. I was changing Joey and I finally got a good reading and BOOM, he had a fever. I hollered from our room, "Joey has a high temp, we are all going to the hospital."
Packed the car and off we went. We opted for Physicians Regional on 951 cause it's never busy and it's CLEAN....so we waited only 20 min to get in. Dan was checked first by the nurse and then Joey, she took his temp in the bum and BOOM, 104.7, (way higher than what I got at home) my knees went weak. I had visions of mom going home, packing the wrong stuff in a bag and then hauling me and Joey up to North Naples Hospital to put him in the baby ward....(I had a tear running down my face.)
SO our evening progresses in the ER. We are assigned to curtain 14 and this tech comes in to give Dan a nasal culture and one for Joey....Now keep something in mind. Dan is sick so he has not held Joe since the day before. I see the tech give Dan this nasal culture, thank God I was sitting down, cause now she has to do it to Joe and I have to hold him. I close my eyes and hear this screech from my son. Yes, NOW I am crying...
I will make the story shorter in a moment.....
The tech said.."Sweetie, I have six kids, you better be ready for lots of this stuff, stitches, broken bones, ear infections, etc...."
" I know, I know." I say.... and the night went on. I also remebered when Joey was circumsised, THAT in itself is a great story, and after that I knew I could handle anything....(I must be getting mushy in my old age)
I am aware of all this stuff that will happen to Joey. Someday he will get punched (after he throws a few himself). Someday he will break a bone or two, he will have stitches, scrapped knee's blah blah blah, but it was the culture that she was giving him that got me. Joey was born only two weeks early and although he had to spend time in the nursery right after he was born, for them to watch he didn't have to have lots of stuff stuck to him. My best friend Pam, her son was born like 10 weeks early and spent sooo much time in the NICU with being poked and prodded and it didn't stop there when he was finally able to come home. My other friend Maria, she want through almost the same as Pam....and here is my little dude and a nose culture...."SUCK IT UP MAYO" I thought... this could be so much worse.
They kept us there for a few hours, every ones temp went down (a little) and they sent us home w/ prescriptions. Dan= the old fashioned influenza, Joey= ear infection... (so the doctor says) Not ONCE did my son pull at his ears.
The next day, mom came home from work sick as a dog. I about threw the towel in. Dan in his man cave being a typical sick male, Joey, glued on my hip still w/ a fever and now mom, my only hope, my only escape and she is tucked in bed sick. There is me and the dog....I about lost my mind.
So now, tonight.. the house is healing, Joey slept with me again last night. All the meds and stuff I had to pump into my son..(hate that) finally paid off, his fever broke, but I am not convinced he is better. Dan, his fever broke, but he is still hiding out in his man cave healing. He is terribly weak and certainly not up to any par. Mom, however, my saving grace, is much better... common cold. She was able to watch Joey for me so I could run to the store for 30 min.
Look. This is it. for now...... Tomorrow is a new day and I hope more healing comes to the family throughout the night. My husband wants to hold and love on his son. I just want 20 minutes alone, by myself. But here is how we start the new year....Now this new decade will bring lots more, and after this.. Bring it on...
New Years Sick Bay....
(my little man's first trip to the ER..)
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