I can do that....

DO you ever feel that EVERYTHING is just taking you over... Crashing down on you and no matter what.... no matter what you do you cannot get ahead.
Lately it's like my own personal train wreck...(not really that bad but we all have to have our own pity parties)

Can I list all of these things...maybe, but I will not. I just think that I try so hard each day, just the best that I can. I do catch myself when I don't and I get pretty pissed when I do things half arsed.

But for now, I feel like I am struggling with friendships and how to handle them. How to settle feelings and conversations and life with friends. A relationship with friends I have to say is the hardest relationship I could have. I work very hard at my marriage. But friends, hmmm it's far more difficult. I don't ever want to be burned by anyone the way I was from a childhood friend . So I keep things and people at a distance and just do it the way I can do it. I will give a friend everything I have to a fault. But the one thing about friends is....we want approval, we want their love, we want to be happy. I think mostly we want approval....but you know what I want with a friend. It's to be myself and for that friend to be herself. Lay it all out on the table and just be who we are. No judgement. Just ourselves. You want friends that when you see after a long period of time, the conversation picks up right where it was left off... I have two friends like this. and our friendship is beautiful. We laugh and talk and are honest. I cannot say that anyone else that are my friends see me the way these two sisters see me and I don't see any other friends the way I see them. It's a pure agape love....

What about some of the other friends that I have that are not like these two sisters...well, it's work, I am always careful with what I say, where I am, what I wear, agreeing with something when I don't agree. Carefully choosing my words. Being a cheerleader even when I know I will get knocked down. I don't think that that is an honest me....What am I doing?... What am I doing?

Do I keep going on with these friendships? I don't cut anyone off. I have had that done to me and it sucks so I will never do that, but for now I I feel like I am in limbo with a few relationships of people....This is a good time to think about things... Easter week.

Easter and the Fourth of July are my two favorite holidays of all of them.

Easter week... I have a heavy heart too so this could just add so much more to my own shame spiral. But the thought of spring...the green grass, the flowers budding and the snowbirds leaving it is refreshing. The idea of spring cleaning is a good idea..(now I just have to do it) The idea of a new...Spring is not Easter.

Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus. This I like very much. This doing of his. This job he had...

Thursday (today) really is one of my favorite days in Easter week. Maudity Thursday. According to the bible, this was the Last Supper. This is where Jesus showed the most agape love to his buddies and washed their feet. Nothing more humbling than washing feet...someone Else's feet... I was at church one Holy Thursday, and it was time to wash feet. You know how you feel? Maybe not....maybe you don't know... have never washed the feet of a homeless man in the House of God. I washed his feet. Someone else washed mine. You don't chose the feet of the people you wash, it's just do it. Could some of you do it. Jesus did it.

One Good Friday, years ago I called my dad one day to say hello... "Hi dad, what are you doing today?" I asked him.. "I'm just sitting here thinking about what Jesus had to go through today. I was just thinking about what Jesus had to endure just for me and my family."
His answer struck me a bit. It struck me because I know my dad and I know that he WAS thinking about it. He was tossing emotions of the Crucifixion of Jesus, the beatings of Jesus, the humiliation that Jesus endured for my dad. God gave up his son Jesus for us. Mom and dad gave up their son Paul to be with the Lord.

So when Easter Sunday actually come around. (this year I will be working and then dinner with my family) It's a refreshing time. A new life time...a strong time, a time to overcome and gain a new....

So having my own personal train wreck, my pity party, my shame spiral....this is a good time for me to have it... since I have to think about my life and rethink. Start again. Gain anew. A good time of year to really think. Maybe I have to just work harder at the friendships that are difficult. Maybe I have to just take time and be for myself and get it all straight. Maybe I just have to let God choose for me...I like that "maybe" best...

The Jews celebrate their release of freedom from slavery with Passover....usually around the same time as Easter. And Easter is celebrated for the release of Jesus in to his Fathers Kingdom.
I love both of these celebrations...Imagine being released. The Peace.
Would you feel peace?

My train wreck is not that bad....but maybe I just need to clean it up a bit...
I can do that...